Birth Memory

This is how I felt that day, before Laura hypnotized me:
I am nothing but a biological computer. I've been abandoned by God because he doesn't exist. I believe in nothing. There are no souls, there is no truth, nothing is special. I don't even believe in love. My emotions are pointless, my thoughts are useless because they mean nothing. They are only there to make me want to survive or procreate. I'm a big walking set of genes that want to replicate themselves. Every thought, every feeling is manipulative and false. I have no connection to anything greater, anything unexplainable, anything powerful. I'm falling in the dark with nothing to grab on to. Every handhold I try to grasp disintegrates into dust, and I fall further. I have no center. I have no equilibrium. I have no home.

This is what I experienced while my sister hypnotized me:
I was brought into a deeply relaxed state. I moved no muscles, and I didn't feel the need to. I was told to think of my favorite color, and breathe it into my lungs. Immediately, the floor of my consciousness became salmon pink. But salmon pink was not my favorite color. My favorite color was a very specific shade of red-orange. My conscious mind had long decided that red-orange was the most beautiful color in the world, and I tried to eradicate the pink and replace it with orange, but when I tried to envision the color it hit a brick wall. I could not hold onto it for longer than a flash. So I allowed salmon pink to take over, and I breathed it into every cell of my body. I was told to use the name of the color I was breathing in as a key word for future relaxation. My conscious mind said that pink was a stupid word. I couldn't use that word. It was silly. I refused for a while to use pink, and would only think the word, "Color". But my subconscious continued to be adamant that pink was indeed the color appropriate for my deepest relaxation, and I let go. I released all ego and embraced the wisdom of my subconscious. As I slipped deeper and deeper into relaxation I dug up the origin of salmon pink. I knew why my mind had chosen it. It was the exact same color I used to see as a child, falling asleep in my bed. I'd always remembered the image. When I was young, the image of a pink, balloon like shaft used to take over my mind. The balloon would suddenly collapse in on itself and become a dark, crumpled mass. Then it would blow up and become perfect and smooth again. Over, and over and over. I was instructed to wake up. I heard counting 1...2...3... and I opened my eyes with a calm, silent gasp.

This is what happened after I was hypnotized:
"Laura, my conscious and subconscious minds were totally battling over colors during that."
I told her what had happened. I told her how I'd uncovered the weird, deep memory of the balloon that became shriveled and black. I'd never understood the image. I'd never told anyone about it before. It had always baffled me.
"Oh, I know what that is." Laura said immediately. What? She did? She understood it instantly when I'd been confused by it my whole life? "Those are contractions.” She said. “You're remembering your birth. That's what it must have looked like."
It struck me as obvious. Of course. Of course. The sensation of contraction would inevitably be a part of us, somewhere. The idea made my mind open. It made everything seem clearer. We realized that since flesh is see through, and babies can see light while they're in the womb, salmon pink was probably the color that surrounded me. My first color. My first memory.
"What's interesting," She said, "Is that the image of contractions is not a distressing memory for you. It was actually the most relaxing thing your mind could come up with." We realized how powerful this image could be for me in the future, when I'd give birth to my own children.
"Everyone retains a memory of their birth, in some form." She said. "For some it's ingrained into their personalities and life choices. Others may experience it through emotions, or physical feelings. You're an artist. It makes sense that your brain retained it visually."

This is how I felt the day after I was hypnotized:
Something was said in one of my religion classes that I disagreed with, and instead of my mind swimming in the horrifying sensation of abyssal cognitive dissonance, I used my key word and the imagery to make myself extremely relaxed. In this state I was able to solve the problem, to get inspiration, to make sense of the dissonance at hand. For the first time in months I was able to reach a resolution. I am not powerless. There is goodness, there is truth, there is power in the universe, and I can access it through my body and my mind. I have somewhere to go. I have a handhold to grasp when everything else is pure confusion. I am complete as I look back at my very first thoughts as a living organism. I can connect to who I was from the beginning, my very deepest self, the person without pride or shame, the child who was not trying to impress anybody. I remember the being who hadn't yet obeyed fear, who knew only one color, one image, who only felt love and connection and trust throughout the process of entering the world. I can return there whenever I need. This gives me a center. I can find equilibrium. I have a home.