funny how my thoughts always end up in the same place...

no matter where I start from.


I wrote another thing in seminary. They gave me a paper that started out asking, "what's the worst thing you can imagine Christ saying to you?":



The worst thing I can imagine christ say to me is that he doesn't know me. I thought that even before I read matthew 7:21-23. It would be devastating because in the back of my mind I have always believed and hoped that there is at least one person in the universe who knows me and actually understands me.

Nicolaitan: Church members who maintain their church standing while still living in the world.

I'm pretty sure I'm guilty of this, except I wish they would be more specific about what living in the world actually means, so I know if I'm doing it!! Am I supposed to stop listening to anything but church music which is hollow and flat when sometimes hard rock is the only think that quenches my need for expressing my anger toward the world?! It doesn't even have to be hard rock. Just something with some PASSION like Tori Amos. I'm listening to church music in seminary as I write this. It doesn't do a thing for me. And I've figured it out. The reason most mormon music is so hollow, and only a select few songs have anything that touches me, is because real music is written in pain, or joy from someone who was once in pain and is free of it now. I'm not saying there can't be happy music, but you can only be as happy as you've been sad, and as a general rule, mormons aren't quite as sad as the rest of the world. Now, I know this is a sickeningly huge generalization, but do you see what I'm thinking? Maybe that's an irrational connection, but remember, I am only 16. My logic centers haven't milianated yet. So where was I? Oh yeah. Mormon music blows because the people writing it don't know anything about pain or the joy of finally being free of it, so they have no feelings strong enough to inspire their genius, and the result is that their music is flat. You may notice that I'm speaking of the mormons as "they" and "them". But I'm not excluding myself from this. If I tried to write music it would probably suck too. I even have musical gifts and it would still suck. Now think about the best, most meaningful music you've ever written. You were going through something hard right? My point exactly.

Now back to my original question: What the poo do they mean, "living in the world" when they're talking to a bunch of mormons who don't smoke, drink, or have sex with everyone, which in my mind is what that phrase means? All I can think of is media. Oh Ok. So this means shun media that comes from anywhere but the mormon community! Easy! I can do that! Oh wait I forgot one thing. I HATE mormon media. Nothing has ever been so lame as the puke spewing forth from the mormon community that we call "mormon media". There is no way this is what they mean. So, I suppose they mean that the Nicolaitans are the ones in the church who don't love going to church, who aren't religious when nobody's looking, who don't smile when the get a calling, who hesitate when they fill out their tithing settlement, who don't hold on to the church and defend it till the death.
The one's who don't love the church in their hearts. Love the church? Love what about the church? The young women's program? Sacrament meeting talks? Home teachers buggin you every month?
I know this isn't what they mean. Unfortunately, some probably think this is exactly what they mean, because they never stopped and wondered if there might be a slight difference between the church and the gospel.
Holy monkey that is ironic. The ones who hold to the church like its christ itself are being the Nicolaitans. They are keeping their standing with the church while living in the world because their hearts are not in christ. You're not supposed to love church, you're supposed to love Christ. We might all be surprised who Christ says, "I never knew you" too.

A Poem about music

Glory be for a beautiful harmony
That fills you in a place that didn't before exist.

The power that it holds is
As the strength of our star
That sinks warmth in our skin,
Or the sight of lightning from a far off.

The pulse of the tone makes the heart stop it's beat,
And no breath do we take--
For the notes linger, long in dissonant ways.
But, when the beauty beheld by resolution envelops us,
There is a need to gasp
As if the lungs have been
Held deep down in warm water,
Or you've stopped all your crying
And you long for a breath of undespaired air.

All containment is opened to let
A divine light show through, and
We squint for being in dark for so long.

Glory be for a beautiful harmony
That gives the gift of freedom

the stream of my conscious

I wrote this during seminary one day when the lesson was dragging on and I had a lot of thoughts going through my head... (Notice how many sentences there are)




I want to write some poetry now using train of thought writing I don't know what to think or how to get there but I may believe nothing whatsoever in my life I don't no, I can't remember the good so shall I go on dreaming without knowing the outcome or reasons or anything worthwhile I guess I'll just save my thoughts from myself who is not anyone real, but a piece of a dream blown out of proportion while reality lingers just below the surface and so many waves fly in and out that it is completely lost from anyone’s conscious mind who has any importance in the world the lines diverge a million times per second that how could any person or group of people claim they are intelligent enough to find the one line but who cares all we do is sit in classrooms our whole lives nothing ever actually happens but our brain cells have gotten so out of whack big that we can't help but find and search for something that isn't there, but may be there, but our dreams warp anything so intensely that a dog becomes a great and powerful k-9 master of the universe, and the master of the universe is now an anxiety attack that makes my legs move and makes my heart beat and opens my tear ducts and fills my lungs and I want to scream with only good things so stop trying to imagine anything concrete or you'll F it all up and become deceived by your own active mind and forget what your body is doing remember you are sitting in a class room doing nothing nothing is happening nothing is changing anything that matters just sit. Your future is so far away it is lost stop thinking you know it's just a bunch of threads that haven't been tied together yet stop wandering too far ahead, look at where your sitting choose to believe what opens your tears don't harden anything yet just wait something might not be happening now but something will have to happen and then the story will have started and you'll take the role of the main character, because that IS what you are, you’re the protagonist in vetro so even if all others feel like the center you are the center of your center no you are not that feels wrong how can I be the center with everyone else thinking they are the center too there is only one center and none of us are in it there is only one and that is why were so obsessed with religion as human beings cause we feel the need to be the main character or else despair, and the closer you are to the main character the more important of a character you feel like we are all selfish but that is natural and good and right and expected so don't suppress it embrace it.