Baby Scene (Part 2)

Pull me, take me,
I trust where you place me.
I can't scare you
and you won't change your mind.

You know what we are,
you love that we're lowly.
You hold me low,
and sink when I'm down.

I'm not lying this time.
Your voice changes me.
My ears drown out,
I only hear you.

Blind to honor,
you see me differently.
Cradle my touch,
you startle, ear on my stomach.

You know my mind
well enough to lead my body.
Gave you my weight,
I hold together.

You make my end
the thing most worth living.
You cause my pain
and take it on with me.

I won't make a scene until it's you.

The Story

Descent from a sky,
given elite from all life.
Isolated in destiny,
all blackness for our light.
The stars lined for one movement
Handed will not by choice to choose what is forced
Depraved without sensing you and nothing next to you
Something too large for the story that holds it,
Complicate what's simple
Pacify the mystery.

Grown from the wreck,
risen from mud.
We're shrapnel given time
and made of destroyers,
same as old stars.
Connected by weakness
we're making what's greatness.
We don't last long but we feel forever,
and sometimes love seems longer than all of it.
Show me a more beautiful story.

Will

This morning I woke up thinking about the disconnect between the macro and micro worlds, wondering how, and if ever, they connect. Large objects obey the rules of inevitability, cause and effect: energy is conserved as one event changes another, which changes another. Small things obey the rules of probability, as seen in the electron orbitals around atoms. The probability remains constant, while the electrons themselves appear completely randomly; no one ever knows where exactly one will be. So these are the too ways in which change occurs: randomly, or by cause and effect.

But there is a really weird kind of energy (or means of change) that can exist on the scale between the micro and macro--incidentally the size of intelligent organisms on earth: will. We are as large as a universe to our atoms and as small as atoms to the universe. We are hinged between the two worlds, our brains having a quantum nature, and our bodies a physical one. We function using both processes, all the time. And we can feel it. We always have. What else is responsible for the idea of spirits being separate from the physical world, the overwhelming feeling that we are made up of two elements, the sense that we are wearing our bodies. Humans and large brained creatures like us are dichotomous beings. And when you combine the laws of the micro and macro, you get something very odd, that can affect the universe in a new way, and it looks a lot like free will. Will is neither cause and effect, or probabilistic randomness, but the connection between them, a new force that exists when those processes touch. It is intention and choice, a means of influencing matter that rarely occurs in the universe, and it is the avenue by which the universe draws meaning from its inherently intentionless and purposeless nature. Will may have been evolved through natural processes, some odd by-product of natural selection, it may benefit the propagation of certain 'selfish genes,' but once accidentally established by evolution, it breaks from the inevitability of natural selection and can even fly in the face of it, creating creatures that have the ability to destroy themselves, and may very well choose to do so. Will, as well as consciousness may be an illusion, but I feel that I'm real, and I choose to have free will, even if the universe never intended for me to have it. Choosing to make free will a reality is the ultimate manifestation of the energy itself; what power is there in agency, if it wasn't your choice, if it was handed to you by some other being?

I actually remember the moment I chose to be more than chemistry, and a victim of the macro laws. As a child, the chemicals in my body were causing me to be in perpetual fear, and my actions weren't under my control. I literally didn't decide where my legs took me, if I got scared enough. I've never been sure why, but one day in ninth grade I chose to have a will. I had been functioning purely under the laws of cause and effect, when suddenly my brain made a leap and I said to myself, "feel the fear, and then move anyway." I was able to set aside cause and effect for a moment, and jump to a new way of thinking, without following any concrete mental pathways. This is why you need the random element in order to have will. Brains have the ability to jump from place to place because of their quantum nature. In that moment I chose to have the ability to decide. And there's really no reason it should have happened; most anxiety disorders don't just slip away, most people need therapy (the purpose of therapy being teaching people how to choose.) But I stopped walking painfully fast, I started choosing to go to public places again. The universe changed, just a little bit, and the force behind that change was intention, choice. To me it doesn't matter if will is an illusion or not. We make it real.

Baby scene

Cough and pull,
drag and dull.
Stuck and loose in
limbo scream. Horror
at our baby scene.
I'm left alone with
your eyes on me.
You're not my need.
But I can't run, or
stay or sleep or dream.
My dreams shed light
on dishonesty. Our feet
are contradicting me.
We love and dance
in place, and I hold to
hope of love for me.

I see a mother and
I know your heart
would leave. A pointed
eye in breathing sing.
No hand on my both-sides
to hold me strong with
whispering. A body used
for trembling. I tremble
with lack of anything,
and you remind me I came
here accidentally.

I can't love or leave,

and you can't love
me off my honor, sweat,
and hands and knees.
My hand's a fly you
shew off with mercy,
and I can't get your
hands on me.
I gave a girl, she's not
your heir, will never be.
You can't love this if
you don't love me.

Stuck and loose in

limbo scream,

You can't love this if

you don't love me.