Losing Faith

My philosophy of religion teacher gave us 3 reasons why people lose faith in their religions. The list surprised me, because I realized that not one applied to me.

The list was this:
1- There are doctrinal issues that they simply cannot rectify, and they reject the religion altogether.

2-They desire no consequences, and reject God in order to do whatever they want.
3- They are afraid of looking stupid for believing in God.

But I do not lose faith because of these things. I immediately began writing my own list:

Why do I lose faith? (Benefits of losing faith)
1- I judge people less when I reject the religious definition of sin.
2- I accept other people more when I don't believe my world view is the only ultimate truth.
3- I lose debilitating fear when I reject the notion of Satan.
4- I gain mental freedom when I consider my thoughts to be private.
5- I have ambition and hopes and dreams for myself when I reject the doctrinal place for women.
6- I have more control over myself when I don't blame my thoughts, feelings, and actions on good or evil spiritual influences
7- I allow my brain to mature to full adult mental capacity when I stop allowing religious information to bypass my critical factor.
8- I am more open to the discovery of truth when I am not afraid that it doesn't fit into the skeleton of church doctrine.
9- I come to more logical conclusions when I don't force religious and secular ideas together with over-complicated logic.
10- I feel an urgency to be productive and make the most of my life when I think that this is my only chance.
11- I find no reason to ever waste one second being unhappy when I believe death is the end.
12- I am less likely to base decisions on emotion when I believe the source of my emotions are chemicals, rather than spiritual influences.
13- It is easier for me to forgive and love myself after I make a mistake when I look at the actual natural consequences, instead of feeling guilty for sinning against God.
14- I understand the functions and purposes of my body when I believe that it was evolved over millions of years, and that everything about it was evolved because it was good and beneficial.
15- I am comfortable with my body and my sexuality when I don't associate it with religious shame.
16- I feel peace in my own skin when I don't believe that my natural self is an enemy to God.
17- I feel more connected to all life on earth when I believe we all have a single common evolutionary ancestor, and I have more respect for other organisms when I let go of religious human egomania.
18- When I let go of Mormon expectations for my life's path, a thousand possibilities open up for my future. Not being absolutely certain where life is going to take me is exhilarating.
19- When I reject Mormonism, my sense of goodness and morality is stripped down to elemental principles like kindness and freedom, and I have to think and study and decide for myself whether or not an activity is beneficial, instead of automatically labeling things as "sinful" or "righteous," based on a pre-made structure of principles that may be contrary to reality, or have nothing to do with my life.

But after I wrote this all down, I thought, "So why don't I leave just leave then? Why don't I pick up and leave Mormonism behind? There must be reasons why I stay." So I proceeded to write an equal and very opposite list, to illustrate the full extent of my cognitive dissonance.

Why do I keep my faith?

1- When I believe in Jesus Christ I believe that any problem I face can be overcome.
2- When I believe in God I believe that I have a lasting purpose.
3- When I believe in God I believe events are directed, not random, which (in some cases) is comforting.
4- When I believe in God I believe that my thoughts and prayers can in reality affect people.
4- When I believe in God I believe I have unlimited potential.
5- When I believe in God I believe my feelings are significant instead of meaningless chemical reactions.
6- When I believe in God I believe all of my questions about the universe will eventually be revealed to me, instead of me ceasing to exist with unrequited curiosity.
7- When I believe in Jesus Christ I believe that the human race is worth infinite love.
8- When I believe in Jesus Christ I value kindness and forgiveness for others.
9- When I believe in God I believe love is transcendent instead of something that exists only so our genetic material has a greater chance of replicating. (We only love our families because we're more likely to survive if we stick with them, and we only fall in love so that reproduction is irresistible.)
10- When I believe in God I don't feel completely alone when I have no humans to turn to.
11- When I believe in God I have a sense of protection, rather than being subject to randomness, probability, and the cold impersonal universe that doesn't care how much pain I experience.
12- When I believe in the Mormon church I'm capable of feeling "the spirit", which is a feeling of warmth, understanding, excitement, love, and like any obstacle is surmountable.
13- When I believe in the Mormon church it is easier for me to feel a part of my social group.
14- When I believe in the Mormon church it is easier on my mind, for I have a predetermined schema given to me with which I can use to judge all ideas.
15- When I believe in religion I have a very concrete idea of morality, and it's easy to judge whether an activity is bad or good, rather than having to think and decide and risk making a poor decision.
16- When I believe in religion I believe that all loose ends with be tied up-- I will see dead loved ones again, all pain and suffering will be made up for, all injustices will be justified, all mysteries will be solved, all knowledge will be given.
17- When I believe in Mormonism I have a very clear idea of the way in which I'm going to parent my future children, instead of having no idea how to present the idea of religion to them.
18- When I believe in Mormonism, it is easier to listen to the things that people around me say, and I never feel uncomfortable around those who believe, and I don't feel the need to role my eyes.

Inside of Music- A visual explanation of Sufjan Stevens

I have an idea for a body of artwork that I need to create.

It came to me after a few experiences:


Experience #1:
A Sufjan Stevens song came on as Laura and I were talking in the living room. It was one of my absolute favorites, and I was certain that she would like it. But much to my surprise, as soon as she started listening her face dropped and and she smirked like there was a bad smell in the air. She said, "This is... the stupidest music... I have ever heard." I rushed upstairs and turned off the music, terribly confused and embarrassed.

Experience #2:
I went to the Sufjan Stevens concert. The music that I heard there was the weirdest, most indescribable sound I have ever heard. My mind struggled to process it, and listening to it was one of the most brain intensive activities of my life. I had to work so hard to understand it, I came out a little different. My brain had been stretched in new ways, and the way I thought about music was altered. I struggled to enjoy that music the first time I listened to it. But then something changed. The way I perceived the music changed. And now, even though my brain is receiving the exact same information, I process it so differently that I actually hear something else. It's sounds beautiful to me.

Experience #3:
Laura began to make fun of the way Sufjan makes music. "You can't actually like it, Julia. It sounds like Mr. Rogers. It sounds like Sesame Street. The stupid horns! The clarinets and oboes! It sounds so stupid!"
"You can't tell me I don't like it, Laura."
"It's just that sometimes I think you're only saying you like it to seem cool, or to please Brian. I mean, come on. The way it sounds, the actual sonic quality is not good. It's not enjoyable."
"Laura, when I listen to it, that's not what I hear. I hear something different than you. I've let go of all prejudices about certain instruments. I don't associate the sounds with anything predetermined, I just listen to the sound. There is this one song in particular, that if I were to show to you, you would hear it as the ugliest, stupidest, cheesiest sound you have ever heard, but that's not what I hear."
"Ok. Well then, what are you hearing? What does it sound like to you?"
"I can't describe it in words. It brings out specific, subtle emotions that no other music expresses, that there aren't words for. It actually sounds beautiful to me."

When Laura responded to one of my favorite songs the way she did, it was very jarring-- I realized I couldn't possibly comprehend how other people were hearing my music. I never would have considered the possibility that that song would be, "the stupidest music" she's ever heard. I assumed she would love it. But listening to music is a mental process, and can be done in very different ways. Laura and I were receiving the exact same sound waves, but what our brains did with those sound waves was completely different.

The way I listen to music has changed. I used to hear the top layer, the shell of a song. This shell is our automatic judgment. It is each sound's perceived connotation. It is expectation of what we think music is and should be. It is the association of certain sounds with predetermined emotions. It is assumption, and impatience, and ego, an unconscious refusal to appreciate something others may label as silly, annoying, or strange.

This hollow shell is the only thing I use to hear while listening to music. It meant that while some music reached me deeply, far fewer pieces were able to reach me at all. But I was slowly exposed to artists who drove me to new levels, and different thought processes. They challenged, one at a time, all assumptions, expectations, connotations, and judgments that I made about music. And now, when I hear a piece, I listen to it from the inside-out, not the outside-in. That's the only way I can describe it. I'm in the song, I'm inside the world that it creates while it's playing. And it sounds completely different from the inside. It begins to display emotions that you didn't know you had, ones that are not simply "angry" or "sad" or "joyful." With all assumptions set aside, a specific song will communicate things that nothing else can communicate. You might think that stripping music down this way would eliminate all meaning, that if all pre-decided associations were dissolved then music would be nothing more than purposeless noises, like the unorganized sounds you hear walking down the street, or how a word loses meaning when you say it over and over. But this is not the case. Listening to music in this elemental way opens the way for more direct communication. It doesn't dismantle meaning, it uncovers it. Because that is what music is-- It's a form of communication. It's a language. It has meaning. It can communicate obscure ideas and emotions that words cannot even begin to approach. It's worth it to give a song a chance. It's worth it to be patient, and suppress your automatic aversion to the noise, because it may just communicate something precious.

And when you begin thinking about music in this new way, the way your mind thinks in general will open up. The patience and questioning and lack of ego will translate into all of your thought processes. Your brain will become accustomed to being accepting and free. It will get used to questioning an initial judgment. You won't get locked into one mindset, or one way of thinking.

Not all music will speak to you, even after you give it the opportunity to do so. I suspect that Sufjan Steven's music affects me personally because of who I am, and Laura would not find the same meaning in it, even if she were to look for it. But I want to answer that question, "What are you hearing? What does it sound like to you?" And I can't do it in words. I can however, attempt to express it visually. I will describe my individual perception of it through color. I will make pairs of paintings for several songs, one representing the outer shell, and next to it a representation of what it sounds like to me.

This is gonna be fun. :)

The Zombornography Apocalypse

The prophets use fear to keep men away from pornography.

"Avoid pornography as you would a plague." -Gordon B. Hinckley

"Today we have a rebirth of ancient Sodom and Gomorrah." -Thomas S. Monson. (Referring to pornography.)

"Pornography, though billed by Satan as entertainment, is a deeply poisonous, deceptive snake that lies coiled up in magazines, the Internet, and television." (He describes pornography as a snakebite that spiritually poisons you, then continues...) "Sexual sins are among the most poisonous." -David E. Sorensen.

"Pornography is overpoweringly addictive and severely damaging." -Richard G. Scott.

"Stay away from pornography as you would avoid a serious disease. It is as destructive." -Gordan B. Hinckley

"Pornography is like a raging storm, destroying individuals and families, utterly ruining what was once wholesome and beautiful." -Gordon B. Hinckley

"There appears before us in this generation a sinister and diabolical enemy-- Pornography... [It is] the carrier of a deadly disease... The constant march of pornography blights neighborhoods just as it contaminates human lives. It has just about destroyed some areas. It moves relentlessly closer to your city, your neighborhood, and your family." -Thomas S. Monson

The fear tactics used here are astonishing. It sounds more like they are describing a zombie apocalypse than anything else. I am not saying the prophets are not correct, surely pornography is a problem, just as they are suggesting. I simply wonder if the tactics they use are effective. Because it seems as though the problem of pornography is just getting worse and worse. It makes one wonder- perhaps if saying the same kinds of things over and over again in every conference is not working, then a change in methods is necessary. Telling people they are infected with a disease gives them a terrifying, hopeless view of themselves, and instead of seeking help they may just give up. They also become terribly ashamed and hateful towards themselves, which does not help break the cycle of pornography use one bit. In fact, shame may be a key contributer to the cycle. I am not assuming any authority on the subject, and I will not propose what the new tactic should be, but it seems to me that if you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to keep getting what you're getting. If the brethren keep teaching this the way they do, the results will be the same. Clearly the root of the problem is not that men are irresponsible, fearless, careless, and want to eat, drink and be merry. Otherwise, describing the diabolical dangers of an action might have an effect. I think men know it's wrong, they know it's destructive, they know they have a great responsibility to their families, they care so much that it eats them alive, and they want to please God. They get the point. But pornography still has a hold over them, suggesting that the root of the problem lies elsewhere. Perhaps pornography gains such an iron grip on men because of how terrified they are of it. Perhaps the huge dose of adrenaline and cortisol they receive when they slip, due to how ashamed and evil they feel, actually reinforces the addiction with those chemicals so powerfully that it becomes ridiculously difficult to overcome. Perhaps a better coarse of action for the church to take would be, instead of instilling extreme fear of pornography use into men, they concentrate on fear release, on letting go, on self empowerment and self-esteem, assuring that such material is not as powerful as the human mind, will, body, or spirit.

I have had experience with the effects that a pornography addiction can have on relationships, even after the addiction is overcome. The effects can indeed be serious, but perhaps not for the reasons most people suppose. I had been dating a young man for over a year when I found out he used to have a pornography addiction. It threw a wrench into our relationship. Also, some of my close family members' marriages were damaged when they discovered their husbands had current pornography habits. I believe most people think pornography hurts relationships because it makes the man into a bad companion. This is certainly the case sometimes, if the addiction is uncontrolled and extremely advanced. But I think that pornography hurts relationships most of the time because of how the women respond to it, having been raised to view it as the most destructive infection on earth. It upset the relationships in my family, but not because the man was disrespectful, or distant, or unkind, or inappropriate, or not gentle. It ruined everything because the women (myself included) suddenly saw their man as an irreparable, diseased, weak, partaker of Satan's very own intellectual property, a disgusting porn-looker. Since we believed it had destroyed and poisoned the minds of our sweethearts, we couldn't let it go. We wondered, “How does this poisoned mind see me, after looking at porn? How can I appear beautiful to him? How can I ever be close to this infected man again? How can he be a good father after witnessing the most family-destroying material on earth?” In my case, I felt like running away and completely erasing my relationship. I distanced myself and looked at him differently, with judging eyes. In the case of my family members, they made actual plans to leave their husbands and rip apart their families, when their husbands had been nothing but good fathers, lovers, and providers. Certain that the men were plagued by Satan, the women did nearly all the work of destroying their relationships. So yes, the brethren are completely correct when they say that pornography is the cause for broken families. But we are the ones doing the breaking. We are the ones who are letting pornography have so much power and influence over us. We are leaving good men, distancing ourselves from our spouses, making decisions based on fear, becoming obsessed and scared, perseverating on our thoughts, quarantining the “infected,” flooding ourselves with shame and guilt, on the premises that pictures are more powerful than people, that sexual feelings are nearly as evil as murder, and that what you look at determines your worth as a human being, rather than whether or not you are Christlike in the treatment of those around you.